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My healing was and is a lifelong process…. what is yours and where are you at or your loved one?

04/21/2010

Over the years I have struggled with facing the effects the traumas of sexual abuse regurgitated me like a dog re-eating its vomit.  I thought I could run from it and ignore it – was I way wrong, but I had to deal with it in my own way and so do you or who you know and love.  I totally ignored it by sleeping months at a time, excercising and playing soccer for hours at a time until I reached the end of my rope.  I lost my love of playing soccer at 19 at the highest levels and gave up.  Sleeping and quitting things was a pattern and moving from job to job…. being referred from doctor to doctor and medication to medication and not taking medication because I hated the side effects.  I could sleep it off though and let depression take me over to avoid the pain of it.  I went through a pattern of being a social drinker from 19 through the age of 26 on weekends.  Then I stopped being a social drinker and became a part time drink to much to mask the pain about once every three months.  Then I progressed to not drinking at all or having a drink or two once a month to three months.  Still moving through life in pain and in disassociation with post traumatic stress disorder (P.T.S.D.), severe depression, suicidal thoughts, four suicidal actions in 1995, 1998, 2008, and 2009 that I didn’t carry through, social dis-function and with-drawl, isolation, sexual addiction to women and ruining relationships, and all this by hurting myself emotionally I hurt those around me.  All along I was at the bottom of this pile of side effects I was carrying deep disgust of myself, shame, hatred at myself, and still running away from it going to a clinic in San Diego in 1993-1994 and then a men’s clinic in Clayton of Saint Louis in 1995-1996.  What pulled me out of it was faking it until I made it between the age of 16 (1987) through the age of 27(1998).  At age 27 I was in college finishing up a bachelor’s degree and struggling hard with social situations and all the side effects i listed above and what held me through it was my faith in God during the fake it til I make it stages of healing.  I met Dr. Lucille Pascal in 1998 as she was the University Psychologist and I could begin to tell my story more so than before where I had trouble seeing that it wasn’t my fault in the past.  Even though I told Dr. Pascal my story I still felt I couldn’t tell the whole story because I never forgot how my life was threatened and my family’s if I ever spoke of what happened in 1987-1988 so fear was a huge factor in my healing process.  more to be added later……

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