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Heartbreaking Pain: Another side effect of sexual abuse survivors

02/28/2011

Being around children breaks my heart sometimes …. I feel raw and sad and so heart broken … I just want to cry screeching and being in public it’s embarrassing and limiting to let that pain out. I feel normal sometimes around children seeing them in their joy and a parent lovingly watch over them as they express their raw emotions. As I sometimes experience normalcy I have a fear that the pain is going to appear and it’s there and I say to myself please God do not allow the pain to surface… Allow me a moment of joy. This happened to me on Saturday as a young child sat next to me eating popcorn and a Rabbi and I were talking. Earlier during our Messianic service about 10 children sat in my row and I welled up with tears and feelings of emotional pain that is so raw I can’t put it into words… Except to say severe sadness for my wounded inner child-a want to wale crying so much pain of shame and raw hurt. But, I am in a public setting and I don’t want to feel this way nor deserve to. I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep the pain away but I can’t… I’m vulnerable in a public setting wounded like this after years of attempts at therapy…. A survivor!!! Moments like these I am so tired being a survivor. Tired period feeling that pain. A new moment I wait for with a glimpse of joy.

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