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My sex addiction from sexual abuse… You bounce from sex addiction to social dysfunction to depression to anxiety to….

06/03/2011

Sexual addictions are a result of being a victim of sexual abuse in the rest of your life as a survivor…. I feel like I am the living dead murdered walking around soulless at times. When I come out of that deep depression phase hunger comes back and attraction to women. Controlling those impulses is an easy thing to do for a while…. Then there is a week or two of uncontrollable gotta meet a woman and get laid, turning to the chat and sex sites or sensual movies. That feels empty and old after a week or so. By turning that off hunger and eating grows to compensate for a couple of weeks. Out of that moves into another level of social disassociating versus experiencing normal healthy socialization.
Because sex first is not a normal healthy social situation I have a battle to not turn to it and turn to it after a couple healthy months… And meeting a woman I can put those negative situations away, but it always comes back so I never got married… It wouldn’t be fair to the woman. I owe over 150 women this explanation from the time I was 19 to now… my ex girlfriend from 2006-2008 we had a sexual relationship exclusive and both loyal to each other…. Best loving relationship I ever had so far, yet we were both wounded knowing each others history being survivors yet again the dysfunction from sexual abuse killed it’s possibilities. At least I do know an exclusive relationship is possible and I experienced love, yet I can’t help but think sexual abuse stole my God given gift to have a family.
I met a 19 year old girl that was into me this past March and I thought she’s too young at first. We talked and she was mature for her age so I was kind of into her… I’m 39 and I thought we would be just friends…. Two weeks later after she said she wanted me a couple of times she put my finger in her mouth and that three years of celibacy 2009-2011 was out the window in the vehicle on a dark street… Fun but dysfunctional.
The worst part of it was I found out she was raped twice when she was 14 and 16 and it reminded me of how victims turn into survivors battling with sexual addiction. I urged her to tell her family and get into therapy, but she won’t because probably she thinks it will just go away.
I know I thought the effects or memories or driving forces of sexual abuse would just go away and didn’t know how much damage it would or could do to my life…. My life is a trainwreck with the source of the trainwreck being sexual abuse and decisions I made after the life altering murder of my soul caused damage to me and others. The sex is fun at first but their is a lot of disfunction to the social normalcy that would be possible if there were an unwounded past. My sex addiction from sexual abuse… You bounce from sex addiction to social dysfunction to depression to anxiety to abortions to suicidal thoughts wishing for death to missing out on life and having healthy social growth… this rollercoaster makes you so tired you don’t want to live and you want to die … You pray for death and I have on and off since I was 16 years old…. You or your loved one is going through this and my heart goes out to them … My heart especially goes out to those and their families who lost their lives to suicide as I know it could have been me-Jesus has kept me alive and no matter how much I pray to get better I suffer and when I pray to God for death Jesus has never answered that prayer…. I still live for a better tomorrow for others when I am not depressed.

God keep our children healthy so they don’t have to go through this mentioned above … our children will not be healthy unless You God and (us) stop this disease of pedophilia killing our children as they live a life murdered while living or our children commit suicide…. So open up our awareness for us to be vigilant.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. 07/27/2011 6:00 am

    I understand that idea of sexual abuse turning into an addiction all too well. Thank you for this post. I just found your blog and will be reading through it in the days to come. Again, I thank you.

  2. Amy permalink
    07/18/2011 2:32 pm

    Peace to you, brother. Thank you for commenting on the story in the Moberly Monitor Index.
    Amy

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