Skip to content

My sex addiction from sexual abuse… You bounce from sex addiction to social dysfunction to depression to anxiety to….


Sexual addictions are a result of being a victim of sexual abuse in the rest of your life as a survivor…. I feel like I am the living dead murdered walking around soulless at times. When I come out of that deep depression phase hunger comes back and attraction to women. Controlling those impulses is an easy thing to do for a while…. Then there is a week or two of uncontrollable gotta meet a woman and get laid, turning to the chat and sex sites or sensual movies. That feels empty and old after a week or so. By turning that off hunger and eating grows to compensate for a couple of weeks. Out of that moves into another level of social disassociating versus experiencing normal healthy socialization.
Because sex first is not a normal healthy social situation I have a battle to not turn to it and turn to it after a couple healthy months… And meeting a woman I can put those negative situations away, but it always comes back so I never got married… It wouldn’t be fair to the woman. I owe over 150 women this explanation from the time I was 19 to now… my ex girlfriend from 2006-2008 we had a sexual relationship exclusive and both loyal to each other…. Best loving relationship I ever had so far, yet we were both wounded knowing each others history being survivors yet again the dysfunction from sexual abuse killed it’s possibilities. At least I do know an exclusive relationship is possible and I experienced love, yet I can’t help but think sexual abuse stole my God given gift to have a family.
I met a 19 year old girl that was into me this past March and I thought she’s too young at first. We talked and she was mature for her age so I was kind of into her… I’m 39 and I thought we would be just friends…. Two weeks later after she said she wanted me a couple of times she put my finger in her mouth and that three years of celibacy 2009-2011 was out the window in the vehicle on a dark street… Fun but dysfunctional.
The worst part of it was I found out she was raped twice when she was 14 and 16 and it reminded me of how victims turn into survivors battling with sexual addiction. I urged her to tell her family and get into therapy, but she won’t because probably she thinks it will just go away.
I know I thought the effects or memories or driving forces of sexual abuse would just go away and didn’t know how much damage it would or could do to my life…. My life is a trainwreck with the source of the trainwreck being sexual abuse and decisions I made after the life altering murder of my soul caused damage to me and others. The sex is fun at first but their is a lot of disfunction to the social normalcy that would be possible if there were an unwounded past. My sex addiction from sexual abuse… You bounce from sex addiction to social dysfunction to depression to anxiety to abortions to suicidal thoughts wishing for death to missing out on life and having healthy social growth… this rollercoaster makes you so tired you don’t want to live and you want to die … You pray for death and I have on and off since I was 16 years old…. You or your loved one is going through this and my heart goes out to them … My heart especially goes out to those and their families who lost their lives to suicide as I know it could have been me-Jesus has kept me alive and no matter how much I pray to get better I suffer and when I pray to God for death Jesus has never answered that prayer…. I still live for a better tomorrow for others when I am not depressed.

God keep our children healthy so they don’t have to go through this mentioned above … our children will not be healthy unless You God and (us) stop this disease of pedophilia killing our children as they live a life murdered while living or our children commit suicide…. So open up our awareness for us to be vigilant.

Part 3: Why it keeps going until hierarchy stops moving pedophiles around the world


Victims urge bishop to do outreach

Recently arrested priest also took kids overseas

Group to Finn: “Help prosecutors build strong case”

SNAP also says prelate should personally visit 3 parishes

Organization also blasts him for keeping accused priest in ministry now


Sitting on folding chairs at card table on the sidewalk, clergy sex abuse victims will

–Disclose that a recently arrested sex offender priest, Fr. Shawn Ratigan, went overseas with kids, and

–Hand address envelopes to hundreds of local Catholics who belong to a parish where Ratigan recently worked. The letters invite church-goers to an open public meeting tomorrow night.

They will also publicly prod Robert Finn, the bishop of Kansas City-St. Joseph, to:

— Personally visit all three area parishes where Ratigan worked,

— Beg victims and witnesses to contact police and prosecutors, and

— Notify bishops in Guatemala, where Ratigan visited, of the charges against him.


TODAY, Wednesday, June 1, 2:00 p.m.


Outside the KC chancery (diocesan headquarters) at 20 West Ninth Street, Kansas City, MO .


Two-five members of a victims’ self-help group called SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (, including a St. Louis man who is the organization’s longtime director.


SNAP has found a 2007 article in the Kansas City diocesan newspaper (The Catholic Key) showing that Ratigan went to Guatemala on a trip with students from St. Joseph, Missouri. SNAP fears that he may have taken pornographic photos of them or of kids in Central America.

A Kansas City parishioner has given a list of local Catholics. SNAP is writing and inviting all parishioners to an open meeting to discuss the controversial Ratigan case. The meeting will be on Thursday, June 2, at 7:00 p.m. at the Kansas City North Community Center, 3930 N.E. Antioch Road (816-784-6100,

Since his ordination in 2004, Ratigan has worked at three parishes: St Patrick’s (1357 NE 42nd Terrace in Kansas City – 816-453-5510), St. Joseph’s (107 North Short Ridge Street in Easton – 816-473-2011) and St. Mary’s (1606 North 2nd Street in St. Joseph – 816-279-1154). He also worked at Bishop LeBlond High School (3529 Frederick in St Joseph – 816-279-1629). St. Patrick’s is in Clay County, the other two churches are in Buchanan County.

In late April, SNAP asked Jackson County prosecutors to launch a grand jury investigation into Kansas City area clergy sex crimes and cover ups, and make aggressive efforts to prod victims to report to police. Roughly eight jurisdictions across the US have undertaken similar probes over the past decade.

According to a Boston-based research group, at least eighteen Kansas City Catholic clerics stand accused, often several times, of molesting children. Yet not one of them faces or has ever faced possible criminal prosecution.

The publicly accused KC diocese priests (followed by the number of known lawsuits against them) are: Fr. Thomas J. O’Brien (24), Fr. Thomas M. Reardon (22), Fr. Hugh F. Monahan (8), Bishop Joseph Hart (6), Fr. John Tulipana (4), Fr. Francis E. McGlynn (3), Fr. Sylvester Hoppe (3); and one each against Fr. Stephen J. Muth, Fr. Tom Cronin, Fr. Michael Tierney, Fr. James Lawbaugh, Fr. Francis Lambert Wise, and Fr. Earl Johnson. Other accused Kansas City priests include Fr. John C. Baskett, Fr. Michael Brewer, and Fr. Thomas Ward.


David Clohessy 314-566-9790 (cell),;

Barbara Dorris 314-503-0003,

Part2: Further results of pedophile priest need to be investigated


Thank you to the principle of the school reporting to officials of the church, especially the brave person turning the letter over in the parish, the reporter doing the story Joshua J. McElwee, SNAP, Fox and other broadcasting companies airing the story…. But we need more as it shows it still goes on of children’s innocence murdered and pedophiles moved to other diocese to be around children.

Although Father Ratigan was arrested the equal criminal problem threatening all children worldwide right now and the future is the heirarchy of the Roman Catholic Church allowing this to happen for much more than a couple years cleary in evidence for us to see as Ratigan has been moved around before he got caught finally…only by the brave people mentioned forcing the heirarchy to do so. The real solution here is a criminal investigation and criminal charges and criminal penalties against every church staffer – high and low – who endangered kids, tampered with evidence, and allowed Fr. Ratigan to keep hurting little girls month after month after month. Read how just this case unfolded and ask yourself how many times was Ratigan moved around?

Ratigan was at St. Patrick Parish in the Northland for about a year and St. Mary Church in St. Joseph before that…. The public only knows what he did and could have done at St Patrick, but what about the other parishes Ratigan was at and moved around to? Negligence and crimes against children definitely by the heirarchy….

Part 1: Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter –Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter


Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter –Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter

Here is the raw link in case you have trouble with getting to the 5 page letter:

The overwhelming majority of once-secret church documents like this – that so clearly show callousness and recklessness in the face of on-going troubling behavior by a predatory priest – date back years and years. But this is a very recent memo. And an extremely worrisome one. It’s alarming that allegedly spiritual men can ignore warning sign after warning sign after warning sign.

The inaction of top church staff, in the face of such evidence, once again shows that almost nothing has changed about how church officials deal with reports of child sex crimes.

Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter –Click to read Document of principle reaching out to church officials to do something about pedophile priest numerous times in 5 page letter

Mountains on top of survivors


The mountains are the cover ups that continue to harm children and prevent justice for survivors…. Oprah said it best ” murdered souls.” We are trying to live life murdered and I know I need a voice in the world to get the mountains off of survivors to bring accountability to those who murder childrens souls, those who cover it up, and bring power to those who are fighting to protect children. Among these goals to show forgiveness and more awareness as Oprah has only scratched the surface to this social disease that is centuries old among Catholics and secular world society. Oprah has bravely opened our minds to begin to heal this social disease. So has SNAP and Bishops Accountability and prosecutors setting precedents in cases… As we go forward we are being blocked at the highest forms of world power causing the smallest of problems of sexual abuse to be covered up. We need a program on such networks as OWN and others to weekly cover small cases and the largest of cases to be publicly progressed and hold law and power structures of our world accountable to bring change and correctly handle and stop this social disease from murdering souls and harming our human connections interwoven in our human family.

News Conference Blocked by St. Louis Archdiocese


SNAP did a news conference last year with channel 2 news… There were 4 of us there along with the camera guy from 2 news being the 5th person in front of the St. Louis Basilica of Saint Louis on Lindell. We talked about the cover ups and the 28 proven members of the Saint Louis Archdiocese diocese ranging from bishop down to priests and lay people who are pedophiles moved and hidden by deceitful and damaging motives further murdering souls of past survivors and future innocent children…. A car pulled out of the garage of the Basilica and a few minutes later a supervisor of the cameraman came to the site and started talking to the cameraman after we were finished taping…. The footage never made it to the news. Your head would spin if you knew how much power behind closed doors the Roman Catholic church has from the Vatican down to diocese in every major city in the world and how they have a major role in how that city is run…. In accountability justice is Gods vengeance and our voice is trying to make things right as a mountain is on top of us…. In goodness we are thankful for all the charity done to help the poor and sick done by the good of the Catholic Church…… One of God’s universal laws in creation is an unavoidable balance of life and death with good and evil balancing the outcomes of our broken lives… That is for everybody no matter what our ditch or pothole in life in is ….. For us survivors of sexual abuse our ditch is an abyss as deep as the Mariana Trench….

More EMDR treatments


EMDR is a treatment or type of therapy to reduce PTSD, trauma, shock…. So that a persons reality is calmer reducing traumas that make a person’s present be a more peaceful present.

I have had three EMDR treatments over the past few months. After the second one I experienced moments of not remembering what I did or if I did what I did seconds ago. I never experienced that before and my gut or intuition tells me the EMDR is working to counteract the trauma of being drugged and raped, as that incident created PTSD and triggers in any given social situation of spacing out with panic. That trauma somehow stole a big part of my soul not being able to participate shutting down socially and emotionally trying to appear with it to live through situations surviving…. People in my past probably thought something was wrong with me or I was ignoring them. This is not the case as a survivor trapped in his own mind and by the trauma that effects my life to this day I can see the EMDR treatments opening up the important things in my mind to allow me to communicate emotionally – socially – psychologically – spiritually without shutting down. I don’t want the trauma I can’t tap into that shuts my ability to socialize normally and happily to interfere with my life anymore. I am hoping and noticing positive effects of EMDR. For instance, I had a moment of time one evening, after the third EMDR treatment two days later, where in a social setting I didn’t feel on edge and traumatic panic to talk and participate socially as much… It seemed to scale it down from 10 being the worst to 1 being the best from my usual 7-9 down to a fluctuating 3-5 …. It was one of those segments of time where you feel like you can see things for the first time and feeling the goodness of the moments.

EMDR is a type of transcendence therapy…. It feels meditative….. You feel sleepy afterwards… During EMDR you follow lights with your eyes While talking about triggers and how any pain makes you feel…. Your subconscious mind seems to guide your conversation while your conscious mind guides the process.

I really think it is a space between consciousness and hypnosis. I am looking forward to more treatments.

%d bloggers like this: